Ranting

We all like to do it. Something must get on your tits, why not share your pain in the “reply” section at the bottom of this page?

32 thoughts on “Ranting”

  1. Gwiggy said:

    Fuck the Olympics. Can everybody who doesn’t live in London kindly bugger off to their home country/counties. There isn’t enough air for all of us.

  2. Dear Beijing cyclists,
    I know that you’re determined to ride at walking pace, and I know that your bike is 47-years-old with only seven spokes intact, and I know that you are 74-years-old with only 6 teeth intact, and I know that you’re in no hurry with nowhere to go, and I know that you can hardly see through the thick smog, and I know that you wouldn’t be too surprised or bothered if you were knocked off (and I know that passers-by wouldn’t help you if you were), and I know that parts of your bike frame have long since been replaced with bamboo, and I know that I am a dirty, uncivilized foreigner but please, please at least cycle in a something slightly resembling a straight line so I needn’t repeatedly have to dodge and swerve between your lollygagging ranks.
    Xièxiè

    • Beenie Langley said:

      Charlie this is AMAZING!!! Hope you’re well and safe. WHEN IS YOUR NEXT BLOG? x x x

  3. William Consett said:

    A mild winter. It’s no good for the grouse!

  4. Rude women on the Tube – Yes, I realise that men on the tube are probably worse, but there’s something genuinely upsetting about moody cows (who you were about to let on/off in front of you anyway) barging past you like Jonah Lomu. If chivalry is dying, as we are frequently told, then a vast portion of the blame falls at their door.

  5. Bring your kids to work day – A truly woeful idea. God knows why someone thought it was a good thing to have swathes of ankle-biters running around the office, but I do know that no good can come from a situation where your CEO’s 6 year old child is introduced to you as you attempt to negotiate a monstrous hangover.

  6. Wenlock and Mandeville – If the rest of the olympics is as piss-poor as these two absurd mascots, I’m booking the whole of August abroad.

  7. The X Factor – So, having butchered pretty much every song every written, this jumped-up piss-poor karaoke wankfest is now releasing a cover of a song that is only 7 years old… The levels of unoriginality that course through the veins of it are really quite repulsive, and the sooner that Louis Walsh is laying asphalt and the four slags who won it are back on the game, frankly the better. At least then there will be a semblance of normality returning to the world.

  8. lindsay hunting said:

    The AA – when it’s -5 degrees and they show up on one side of London while you wait for them on the other side freezing your proverbials off. “yup i’m waiting for you at junction 21″…….”ah, well i’m at junction 11”. ineptitude defined. RAC may be £123 better off next year.

  9. Cardigans – Jumpers for cunts.

  10. Townies! – what kind of a moron takes their dogs for a walk in the country, armed with plenty of townie, plastic poop bags, and then when they do precisely what you’ve taken them out to do, collects it up in the aforementioned poop bag, ties a really brilliant knot and then leaves it in the field exactly where the biodegradable poop was lying? This is political correctness applied with no thought whatsoever. “They should be taken out and shot in front of their families”.

  11. Figleaves/Reebok “bending over” posters – Brilliant. The last thing I need on the tube in the morning is a boner. Thanks guys.

  12. People who complain to the authorities – So… Over 21,000 people have allegedly complained to the BBC about Jeremy Clarkson’s entirely tongue-in-cheek claim that all striking public-sector workers should be shot in front of their families? Ignoring the perfectly good point that he has about a solution to antisocial union activity, has anyone actually seen the clip? I honestly defy anyone to actually watch the quote in the context it was said in and take offence to it.

    For Clarkson, you can read Brass Eye, The Life of Brian, or practically any other “outrageous” event that has been party to a pathetic moral outrage campaign. Middle England, dismount your high horse and kindly fuck off while you’re at it.

  13. Fabio said:

    Don’t you just love it when the ticket collector comes down the train from Wales, as it staggers on it’s last few miles, no doubt late, and says ” any tickets from Reading or Didcot?”
    Now what sort of person is going to answer that?
    You’re right, one who has bought a ticket. Everyone else will keep quiet.
    That’s clever isn’t it. He’s completely failed to find the people he was looking for and we’re paying for it with higher ticket prices.
    So next time you hear the cry and are challenged as to where you got on, just ask him “well where did I get on?” and if he can’t answer that, tell him what prats he and the First Great Western Railroad company are.

  14. Gwiggy said:

    After investing a ridiculous amount of money on another enlightening greatwestern train journey. Shockingly I once again find myself seatless, wedged for over two hours between a teenager who hasn’t seen soap in well possibly ever and a group of men who apparently think everyone else on the train should over hear their painfully unfunny “banter”. The smell of microvaved fast food just about masks the body odour although I’m unsure about which is less nauseating. How is it even legal to expect me to pay for this experience? They should pay me for the futute therpy I will undoubtedly need as a result of this monstrosity.

  15. Malcolm Watson said:

    Something that really annoys me is people hiding behind their first/Christian names. For example on shop assistants’ badges and answering customer service calls on the telephone. The final straw is when you might need to get back to them or otherwise refer to them and they say they are not allowed to give out their surname.

    The first name is an indicator that helps recognition, but it is the combination, with a surname, that is the minimum needed to identify the person to the enquirer. In the case of posting material in the media, those that leave only a first name, or a pseudonym, are attempting to hide behind what they have said, in the same way that those on the telephone hide behind company policy.

    So come on Fabio, Helen, Edwina and Emma and anyone else who wants to rant. Stand up for what you say and say who you are! Amend your registration details, or sign off the text with a surname as well.

    • Eh, Meesta Watson, everya body knows who Fabio is. You neva watch da footaball? Why usa two words when una willa do?
      But Meesta Watson, i reckon your daughta now in bigga trouble,eh? Fancy mistaking retd for retard. Naughty. You send her round and Fabio will give her a big spank for you.

  16. Harry Harland said:

    East Anglia Trains – You’re right. Silly me. Of course it’s perfectly reasonable to charge £76 for a day return to Bury St Edmunds, a colossal 62 miles from London.
    Seems a bit customer friendly? Oh, all right, make the train 25 minutes late leaving, meaning I miss my connection and have to get an additional £88 taxi… To a funeral.
    If there is any justice in the world, the complete fuckpigs who run this parlous farce of a “service” will spend the rest of eternity stewing in Satan’s knob cheese.

  17. Packaging – when you order something over the internet and it arrives in a ginormous box, twenty times the size of said item, filled with bubble wrap/tissue paper/polystyrene balls, or all three.

  18. Edwina said:

    This is brilliant. It’s like the letters page to the Telegraph by people who don’t sign their name Colonel Whatnot (Ret’d) [retard?] – and so, therefore, infinitely better.

    • Malcolm Watson said:

      Just wait till you get home! Ian Hislop regards the Telegraph letters page as “brilliant”. Who am I to disgaree with him when they keep publishing mine.

      From her father, alias Col J M C Watson (Retd), but only when military matters are under discusion, otherwise Malcolm Watson, Welford, Berkshire!

  19. Helen's Mum said:

    Arnold Schwarzenegger could not get a mortgage until after he had finished filming Junior. Fact.

  20. Katy Perry – “Think I need a ginger ale. That was such an epic fail.” – Last Friday Night

    I’m sorry? How old are you? Perhaps your apparent mental (in)capacity might provide an explanation as to why you’re married to that absolute ‘cocky-wock’.

  21. Dan Polak said:

    Why do so many people have tattoo’s? I appreciate that people may like to pay tribute to ‘Mom’ or have a fondness for Mauri art, but the sheer number of people displaying them is unbelievable. It almost appears to have become the rule rather than the exception. I believe in individualism and expressing oneself, but things have got crazy. A ‘huggable’ gamekeeper and an eloquent barman in the village pub recently conducted interesting conversation before unearthing huge carvings on forearms.

    Perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps I’m the weird one.

  22. Jordan – At what stage did someone, somewhere decide that the world needed a whole magazine devoted to that silly bint? In the distant future, historians may view this publication as the moment civilisation imploded.

  23. Marcus Watson said:

    Your bank isn’t sexist, you’re an idiot

    Helen Rumbelow did an outstanding job of winding me up this morning with her article in The Times entitled ‘Bottom line: why your bank is sexist’. Her complaint is that women who are pregnant or on maternity leave are discriminated against either by being denied mortgages or by being charged an extremely high interest rate.

    Sorry Helen, but the reason banks refuse somebody a mortgage or charge a higher than usual rate of interest is to compensate for the risk of not getting the money back. The decision is made on the basis of rigorous statistical analysis, not some whimsical sexist conspiracy. I’m all for equality but if the evidence suggests that in aggregate a pregnant woman is more likely to default on her mortgage than an equivalent man, why should the banks have to subsidise it? Men are more likely to crash their cars than their female counterparts, so it is not sexist, but completely reasonable that they should have to pay more in insurance. No doubt you complained bitterly about your cheap car insurance from Sheila’s Wheels?

  24. Drivers who don’t say thank you. I want to flick them on the forehead

  25. lindsay hunting said:

    Fat Cockney football club owners – particularly ones who rename stadiums the ‘Sports Direct Arena’ to generate a poxy £8-10m extra per year. Surely when you have the same amount of wonga as Mike Ashley (incidently made from selling disgusting looking football shirts to the dawdling tourists on Oxford St) the extra money could be generated from (a big night in the casino perhaps…..?) something other than changing the name of a stadium which has been called St James Park for 119 yrs. What a naff cake munching a-hole…..

  26. Oxford Street – Without a shadow of doubt the most awful place in London. Somewhere between the vapid high-street chain shops and the dawdling tourists taking photos of them (Christ, do you not have shops back home?) there is allegedly a modicum of consumer satisfaction to be found. Fuck knows where it is though.

    I would pay vast sums of money to level the place, ideally at the exact moment some vacuous “celebrity” turns on the Christmas lights.

  27. Fabio said:

    I would love it, really, really love it if someone wrote something here.
    Ireland, Portugal, Greece, Italy……who’s next?
    Could be us!

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