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No smiling welcome here ladies, only smirking (c) ITV1

No smiling welcome here ladies, only smirking (c) ITV1

Things I jotted down during last night’s episode, in case you’re interested, in any way, in what I think…

To help with you
Lord Grantham on Rosamund’s un-announced week-long visit: ‘Great, you can help…’. Fantastic that Julian Fellowes opens the episode with one of Lord G’s famous blunders; for we all know that any character who enters Downton from the outside will only ever be a hindrance.

Critical information
The Dowager accuses Mrs Crawley of ‘stringing out moments’ and we wonder if Fellowes has mistakenly inserted a line from one of his many critical reviews.

Taxing storyline
Mrs Patmore comes in to boast about her inheritance and we immediately think to ourselves (since it’s topical) after she’s paid her inheritance tax she’ll probably be left with… [we take out our calculators and tap on them a bit]…0.001p. She should probably forget about it altogether.

History lessons
Rosamund recaps the history of how she nursed Edith through her pregnancy for 10 whole months in secret (to those not in-the-know), and the rest of us think: ‘What a way to reward those who have actually managed to keep up with this debacle.’ The least Fellowes could do is leave those who haven’t bothered in the dark.

Putting up [with] Bunting
Tom says Bunting’s not coming for dinner again. Ever. I throw my mug in the air and shower in the downpour of scalding tea.

Lord G lifts a finger – and for once, it’s the right one
Lord Grantham announces he has poured his own drink by his very own self; I start to laminate him his very own certificate.

Bog off Bunting
For the first of many times in this episode [see post above re: ‘stringing out moments’], Bunting get’s rej’ed by Tom. Only a million more times to go now…

Icing on the…
Rose lets the poor Russians eat cake and we almost hear her refer to Downton as Château de Versailles.

On Newsnight tonight…
‘“Mr Carson’s giving me investment advice, and Miss Bunting is leaving Downton because Tom won’t stand up to her.” This has been Mrs Patmore, reporting for ITV1, from Downton Abbey.’

Whoopsie Daisy
Daisy tells Branson about Bunting leaving and I scowl at the telly and bite my nails.

The Last Straw
Farmer Drew gives a very convincing performance of ‘irritated workman’ by prodding the straw with purpose, and a fork.

Sex-onds away from turning off the TV
Mr Bates and Anna Bates talk about children as a euphemism for lots of sex-having, and I scowl at the telly harder and try to eat my own fist.

Take down the Bunting
Bunting, with her Lady Mary-imitation hat, gets hassled by the driver to hurry the fuck up into the car, so she can hurry the fuck off. Yes, Branson, yes – hustle the bloody woman into the car and slam the bunting door. Bye-bye Bunting, By-eeeeee!

The Beginning of the Affair
Bricker: ‘Downton is like home…’
Cora: ‘You’re very welcome – as long as you behave!’ [wink-wink-smirk-smirk].
And what about you Cora? Will you behave?

Act 3, Scene Atticus
In the dusty, decrepit dungeons, Rose wears a skimpy shirt and the Russians – who are accustomed to temperatures well-below zero in their natural habitat – wear the thickest of beards, hefty overcoats and massive rugs to ward off frostbite. Audience, just accept.

Moss on Mary
Mary rushes to London to start dating Charles Blake before she’s even struck Lord Gillingham off her Little Black Book. That’s the spirit Mez, you feisty lass, you… Or, as Kate Moss rather uncharitably refers to you in the Stand Up For Cancer Gogglebox clip of last week: ‘SLAAAAAG’. *

The perpetual thorn
So Bunting has finally fucked off and still Fellowes insists Mrs Crawley note her absence and ask for the millionth time this season whether the fucking woman is coming for dinner. I despair.

With Nails
Is there anything better in life than a lithe Richard E Grant corridor-creeping in his dressing gown?

The End of the Affair
Lord Grantham tries to murder Bricker and we realise Bates has rubbed off on him more than any of us could ever have realised.

Bates’ Proposed Murder List uncovered
1.) Thomas Barrow
2.) Everyone else

*(I personally prefer Naomi Campbell’s: ‘She’s in bed with one man I wouldn’t call her a fucking slag’)

Easier to follow than last week’s episode, and because Bunting has finally left the program I have to up this week’s score by at least four points…


By Beenie Langley