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The Morning After...

The Morning After… (c) ITV Nick Briggs

Stuff I wrote on my smartphone during last night’s episode

A dose of ick
So you settle in to watch Downton with supper on a tray, and the first thing you hear is Lord Gillingham’s post-coital announcement: ‘We’ve worked up an appetite.’ I think, Lord Gill, you didn’t ‘work up’ an appetite so much as you ‘stole’ mine.

Spratt’s a fact
Where would Spratt go if Spratt happened to have a day off and enjoy a family wedding? York? London? (the only two places people go when they leave Downton?) No, Liverpool – to witness Mary and Lord Gill exit their hotel. Now, I don’t want to call this a coincidence… but I’m going to anyway.

If Carlsberg did Grandmothers…
When Spratt finally spits out he saw Mary in Liverpool, the Dowager quickly and coolly lies about why Mary was there, before dismissing him to enjoy her brandy. If I am ever a Grandmother, I want to be this one.

Lady G asks all and sundry to accompany her to London which makes us more convinced than ever what lies ahead for her and Withnail Richard E Grant Simon Bricker.

Rose invites the whole of Russia to Downton, under the pretence of ‘tea’, when actually all she wants to do is gloat about how rich she now is, and by extension, how poor they now are – all unconsciously, of course.

Let’s go Dutch
Lady Mary gives Anna her [used] Dutch Cap to hide, Anna mumbles something about ‘sin’ and we see Fellowes’ next story line: Bates finds Dutch Cap and travels to Holland to hunt the offending Dutch Man.

Most ridiculous idiom goes to…
Mrs Patmore and her ‘sympathy butters no parsnips’.
Perhaps a better phrase might be: ‘Writing a soap-drama butters up no Oxford Dictionary of Phrase and Fable editors.’ Fellowes, take note.

Who doesn’t talk to Granny about sex?
Considering how prudish Yorkshire seems to be – well, Twenties Yorkshire according to Fellowes – I find it fairly unfeasible that Mary should choose to confide in her Grandmother about her sex life. ‘I learned a great deal that I never knew before,’ she s-u-b-t-l-y says of her Liverpudlian affair. Was this the beginning of Sex Education?

Baxter’s soup (2)
Baxter reveals her shameful story to Lady G and we finally find out it is the most shameful thing we’ve ever heard: ‘A bad man made me do bad things.’ My ears! My ears!

Bates blunders his alibi
For someone with such a feel for crime, Bates doesn’t half make a pigs ear of his story:
‘Well, I went to the opening of Browns in Queens Street [near the station]. I drank a cup of coffee [near the station], I left a whole day of time unaccounted for and think the best way to explain it is to say: ‘I walked around. I may have had a sandwich.’ And then I end by describing how I had a drink in a pub [by the station].’ Well and truly aced it.

Bricker’s back
Richard returns. That’s all.

Sharp note
Bricker calls Lady G ‘sharp’ and do you know what happens? I laugh out loud.

Cora’s conundrums
Cora admits her secret ambition is to impact on four centuries ‘with something’ she has done. I suppose the only way to accomplish this, Cors, is to actually do something.

Basic instincts
Bricker compliments Lady G on her instincts, and seconds later she says (of having dinner with him): ‘I probably shouldn’t, but I think I will’. This reveals, I’m sure you agree, quite how instinctive she really is.

Stupid and stupider
Lord G has a tantrum about Lady G’s dinner with Bricker and ends his argument by calling her stupid. As a feminist, I don’t want to agree with him, but as Downtonist, I absolutely can’t not.

Tom dumb
Does anyone care whether Tom snubs the luxury of Downton and f*cks off to America with Bunting? Anyone?

Bunting Blunders
Considering what happened the last two times she was involved, has Rose learnt her lesson re: including Bunting in Downton’s social engagements? No? OK then, let’s rerun this irritating episode once again for those who happened to have missed it the first two times…

Love is in the Heir
The Dowager gets given a fan by a… fan; a Prince Kuragin. We like where this story is going. If Granddaughter’s gettin’ some, it only makes sense for Granny to get some too.

This episode was largely disappointing and dull. Next week’s episode – with Daisy discovering all about the Revolution – is setting itself up to be a right corker.


By Beenie Langley