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Stuff I wrote on my smartphone during the course of last night’s episode…

'I've just farted'  Photo: Carnival Films

Lady Grantham ‘I’ve just farted’*
Photo: Carnival Films *flirted

The game of Doubting Thomas
This episode is mainly about following the game of: Poor Thomas versus Evil Thomas. Scores after his emotional farewell to Jimmy lie at (if you haven’t seen last night’s episode, look away now):
Poor Tom, 1 – Evil Tom, Nil

First Footman Forward
Molesley asks to be promoted to first footman and Mrs Hughes puts him back in his place by way of predicting a world where there are no footmen at all. I reckon at the time of writing, Julian Fellowes was fantasising about having his own [first] footman.

Mrs Crawley demonstrates the acute Marple-esque skills in observation for which she is best-known
‘It’s funny how they change week by week at his age,’ she says of George. It’s like babies were meant to grow, isn’t it Mrs C?
THEN she interrupts what is frankly a disjointed and tedious lunch conversation to randomly talk about a Mrs Henderson and some radios. If Fellowes must repeatedly insert irrelevant subplots for Rose, I do wish he’d introduce them in a way that at least makes sense.

Fire-the-Man
If Mr Drewe was such a good man, worthy enough to look after little Marigold [gloves], do you know what he’d most probably do about the #awkward Edith situation? Tell his wife.

Daisy’s a bright spark
‘Why do you have to be so nasty about everyone?’
Daisy comes straight to the point and asks Thomas the question nobody seems to have quite managed. And she thinks she needs educating…

Baxter Soup
Following Thomas’s bitchy exchange revealing all about Baxter to Molesley, the score of Poor Thomas vs Evil Thomas heats up, and we find ourselves on: 1-1.
ps Anyone notice how lovely Molesley’s hair is looking this week?

Tireless
If Rose mentions the word ‘wireless’ one more time I’m going to smash my fucking telly.

Carlson gives Mrs Hughes one helluva telling off
‘I’m not cross with you, Mrs Hughes, I’m just disappointed’. As we all know this is far worse.

Pot-Kettle-Bunting-Black
For all her socialist values, isn’t it funny that the well-to-do ‘middle class’ Miss Bunting makes ‘working class’ Daisy pay for her extra lessons? I’m aware the welfare state hasn’t arrived yet, but if the ruddy Bunting was so revolutionary and forward-thinking wouldn’t she have invented it?

Lord G – the ultimate buffoon
‘It’s a fad, it won’t last,’ he says of the radio. Is Fellowes intentionally trying to make us detest every word that comes out of this man’s mouth, cos if so, it’s working.

Molesley struggles to understand the concept of crime
I just, I won’t, I cannot believe that criminals exist – even though so many people who pass through Downton seem to either have been to, or belong in, prison…

Contrary Mary
If Fellowes really wanted to excite his audience, rather than Lord Gillingham un-sexily explaining he was going to take Mary out for dinner then shag her (sorry, ‘make love’ to her) all week long, couldn’t there have been no words at all and they just got on with it? Isn’t that what passion is supposed to look like? I understand the very mention of something so radical is most racy for a show of this nature, especially since Mary is, as we all know, a virgin…

Can I put Rose on mute?
As if Rose couldnt possibly get any more irritating, she then insists on inviting the ruddy Bunting for dinner – in spite of that fact not one person wants her to be there, least of all ruddy Bunting herself.

Kitten Cora changes her purr
Cora flirting is rather embarrassing but at last she’s finally showing she’s got an ounce of sass, eschewing (albeit briefly) the role of timid kitten to Lord G’s manly ‘Rabbit’.
p.s. – umm, is that it from Richard E. Grant, then? I’m probably missing something huge, but it seemed to me like he was written into the script because he was in Gosford Park, which, conveniently, was shown on ITV3 following last night’s episode. To use him simply for one ‘We’ve got history’ look at Cora (or do I mean Isis?) seems a bit of a waste to me. Does anybody know?

Gownton Grabby
Cora threatens to fire Baxter, and then hurls her dressing gown at her. If Baxter had been a proper criminal she’d have told Cora where to shove her stupid job and stolen the dressing gown.

Final Score
After Thomas’s ‘smoking broodily into the fire’ scene, we go up a goal to: Poor Thomas, 2 – Evil Thomas, 1. But then Bates turns up, sees Anna looking at Thomas forlornly and we sense Thomas’s life is in danger. So our sympathy goes up a further notch and the episode ends with the final score of: Evil Tom, 1 – Poor Tom, 1million.

In all, an OK episode. But the thought Bates might actually go to prison is such an exciting one, I’m not sure I can wait till next week. Sadly, we have no choice.

7/10

By Beenie Langley

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