Things will be great when you're Downton

Things will be great when you’re Downton (c) ITV

Downton’s back. And so is this: Trivial Pursuit’s blow-by-blow account of last night’s episode (or rather – stuff I tapped on my phone during it). So if you’ve not seen episode one, look away now.

Not an awful lot goes on in the first 15 minutes that I can be bothered to comment on (probably because my TV conked out during the middle of it).

Next 15 minutes..
Lord G talks ‘honourably’ about not being worthy over all that war memorial business. ‘I should be praying in the background not the front,’ he sighs. Oh how the idiot changes his tune but minutes later…

Lady G reveals ignorance of ‘birds and the bees’ euphemism
Lord G mentions ‘Tom and the Teacher’ – which in everyone’s mind could only mean one thing. True to form however, what that thing could possibly be totally foxes Lady G.
Lady G [ purring] ‘Can’t I know the details?’ Why don’t you just guess them like the rest of us?

Mary supplies important information
‘I’m going upstairs to take off my hat.’ Noted.

Lord G has a moan
Lord G, at the fireplace with Mary, chats crop rotations and drones on about not being wanted. You know what Lord G? Grow a pair.

Thomas takes lessons from Bates
Thomas has taken on Bates’ role of acting like a murderer, signified by the fact he gets his own ‘murder’ music as he threatens Baxter in the corner.

It just doesn’t add up
Daisy calling herself pig ignorant is mostly hilarious because no one disagrees with her.

Rose makes an important discovery
Most pointless scene involving (yup, you guessed it) Rose. This time, she ‘finds’ Tom’s office for no reason other than to plant an idea in his head that will become a new storyline.

It’s Halloween soon isn’t it?
Bates talks to Anna about getting his leg over and I throw up a bit in my mouth. Make it stop.

Horrifying news of what the kitchen staff get up to in their spare time.
Learn stuff? Well, I never… But you’re right Carson and Mrs P; Daisy should NOT get an education. Because a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Ask Lady G, she knows all about that…

Entertaining is SO difficult when I just have to sit there
And again, Lady G whinging. This time, about Lady Anstruther coming for tea. What is this woman’s problem? It’s not like she has to make the tea. From now on I call her ‘Lazy G’.

Criminal conundrums
Bates to Lord Gillingham: ‘You don’t travel with a valet?’
Subtext: ‘Who can I murder now?’

A fire hits Downton and everyone gets their priorities straight
Thomas: ‘Lady Edith!!’
Mary: ‘George!!’
Tom: ‘Cybbie!!’
Lord Grantham: ‘Get the dog!!’*

Mary finally reveals her sympathetic side
‘Lady Edith chose to set fire to her room.’

All in all, an excellent episode. Let’s hope Fellowes has started as he means to go on.

* I’m not saying that’s wrong or anything. I mean, I’d definitely save my dog.

By Beenie Langley