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 ‘You bra-burning rug muncher’

That was the abuse I received for last week’s post.  Don’t worry though, loyal friends and readers, I am not deterred.

The Single Free Person’s Christmas Survival Guide

1.)    Go out in packs

Would you mess with them?

Would you mess with them?

If you have any single friends left, attend parties with them.  There really is strength in numbers.  You’re far less likely to be attacked by smug couple questions on your relationship-status if you’re standing as part of a very obvious wall of feisty, tarted-up, prowling singles.  You could eat those couples for breakfast – and they know it.

2.)    Have a counter-attack in mind

Pull a face this. That outta do it

Just pull a face like this. That outta do it

You will invariably be asked who you’re dating – or worse, if there’s ‘someone special?’  The humble ‘no’ is likely to invite pity or further questioning.  And we hate this.  To help you out, I have come up with a few possible responses to this odious question, all of which are guaranteed to ensure your conversation is steered sharply in a different direction, or better still, obliterated altogether:

‘No I’m not dating anyone.  I’ve always rather fancied your ‘someone special’ though.’

‘No I’m not dating anyone.  You are though!  When are you getting married?’

‘No I’m not dating anyone.  Everyone I know in a relationship asks bloody dull questions like that.’

3.)    Go out, get drunk and do something memorable

Just legends...

Such legends

Charles Saatchi recently wrote a book called ‘Be The Worst You Can Be.’  For free people, I think this is excellent advice.  We don’t want people talking about us because we’re single.  We want them to talk about us because we did something memorable – even if it is stupid.  Yes, we’d far rather they gossiped about the fact we snogged the hired Father Christmas, or fell off a podium and bared our knickers to the entire room, or talked so much gibberish they thought we were on opium.  As Oscar Wilde once said ‘There’s only one thing worse than being talked about.  And that’s not being talked about.’

4.)    Bang on about your job – or if you don’t have one, make one up

It's a hearing aid

It’s a hearing aid

If you have a job:

‘Who has time for a relationship when I’m working 15 hour days?’ you should say.  ‘Sacrifice a fulfilling career just so I can spend Sunday nights on the sofa next to someone watching Downton Cathedral… Oh it’s Downton “Abbey” is it?!  Silly me,  I just don’t have time for television you see – but it’s sweet that you do!’

If you don’t have a job:

‘I’m in security.’

‘Ooh!  Securing what?!’

‘The less you know, the safer you’ll be – excuse me.’ [Walk to the door, press your hand to your ear and mime talking into your lapel]

5.)    Remember, most people want a kiss at Christmas

If Bridget gets a snog at Christmas, so can WE

If Bridget gets a snog, we ALL can get a snog

You’re more likely to get action at Christmas than any other time of year.  Who doesn’t want a kiss at Christmas – it’s so exciting!  Forget Valentines Day, which most people think is a pile of heart shaped crap anyway, it’s in December that you’ll find the Love, actually (groan).  Take advantage of those mulled wine goggles and just LUNGE… but not at Carl in accounts… nor the photo copier guy… nor, if you can possibly help it, your boss.

Good luck and Happy Christmas

By Beenie Langley