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My pet hate is hair on a swimming pool bathroom. I walk on my tiptoes and shivers literally go up my spine. Well I never ever thought I would go to a restaurant that would give me quite the same reaction.

Every Christmas, my family get dressed up to go on our ‘family Christmas outing’ which precedes our Christmas day run and performance. Yes. With a flute, saxophone, piano and singing. Oh and a special kiddies dance because we are so wild. This year we had tickets to see a play at the Royal Court. And as the writer of the bunch and lover of munch, I decided to find the destination this year.

So I googled somewhere near to Sloane Square. And up popped a new restaurant. Brooklyn Bite (cool name). Pizza (yes). Fingers crossed for the following –

* Buzzing crowd

* Music to slightly bop to

* Service that is so good you don’t notice it’s there. Or so spectacular you want to hug the waiter at the end of the meal

* Food that makes you go Oooooh and Ahhhhhh

* Value for money

* Somewhere to sit all night drinking, eating, chatting

 And guess what. Brooklyn Bite officially has NONE of the above.

 * No atmosphere – There was not one other person in the restaurant. It was so empty that I swear the chefs leaned out to take a peek at their first guests… ever.

* Gangster Rap – So loud and offensive that even my little brother, who is way cooler than me, thought it was rank.

* Average food – Between all of us we covered quite a few of the pizzas and I wouldn’t even pay a fiver for one of them again. The salad looked like a canteen salad with everything chopped up so small you couldn’t tell what was what.

* Enormous bill – For pizza you don’t expect to dish out the dollar. Unless there are diamonds dripping all over it. So when you see that a pretty rubbish pizza costs between £13.50 – £20.50, you should grab your coat and leg it. Whether you’ve pulled or not. In response to our reaction at the bill, the oh-so-lovely-waitress said ‘Well you saw the menu”. Valid but for a couple of glasses of wine and a pizza each with some salad thrown in, you certainly don’t expect a bill of £150.

* Booted out – On top of everything. The said waitress then spoke again, “Do you mind paying now, we kind of want to close?” Well yes we do mind you silly bint. That was it. If you had already decided you weren’t coming back, then she just put the nail in the coffin. Goodbye Brooklyn Bite. Never again.

* Bad service – When I sat next to Michael Fort (name drop) at an event last year, he said that “Service is the top reason people go back to restaurants”. Well if Brooklyn Bite is judged on that, then they are never going to have a guest again. Explanation included in points above.

Unless you want to sit by yourself, be deafened by heinous music, wish and you’d bought a frozen pizza, then head somewhere else. This is nothing like Brooklyn and it’s certainly not a cheap bite. Or a good one. If you’re looking for a real ‘bite’, then you’d be better going to Pizza Express. At least you can get dough balls.

By Em Bell