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Bestiality or necrophilia? Tough call

Bestiality or necrophilia? Granted, it’s a tough call. I mean both Edward and Jacob are, like, total dreamboats and it’s tricky being a teenager these days; there’s too much choice. Having watched bloomin’ Bella Swan battle with this common conundrum for the last four films, we know now that she went with the dead guy. After all, chicks dig rigor mortis. Phew.

For anyone who’s not of the Twi-Hard persuasion, you should be aware that the happy couple, having adhered to Stephanie Meyer’s mormon methods are now married with a cute toddler in tow. When I say cute toddler, I clearly mean the extra-terrestrial and distractedly Damian-esque, digitally enhanced nipper that triggered more terrified gasps from the audience than the ever looming Volturi (bad-ass vamps in Scottish Widows cloaks). Thankfully, the growth spurting kid gets a human personification (Foy) half way through and provides Edward (Pattinson) and Bella (Stewart) with something else to vacantly stare at, aside from each other.

By the by, Bells is now a certified vampire, which means acquiring a penchant for novelty contact lenses, Stretch Armstrong muscle power and hair so glossy she looks like she stepped out a Salon Selectives ad circa 1991. Cue blissful happiness with the rest of the Cullen clan as they all stand about awkwardly resembling a Kooples poster on the side of a bus. Jacob’s there too, hanging around like Lynx Africa, having fallen in love with the bambino (I know, I know, just go with it). A rare moment of slight comic relief is when Jacob (Lautner) refers to the sprog as ‘Nessie’, causing Bella to quip in angrily with ‘you nick-named my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?!’ Well, if you will insist on calling your kid Renesmee, what do you expect, love?

While we’re on Jacob, ya’ll can rest easy that of course he gets his Jesus-esque abs out (*scream*) but it’s actually done in a nicely ironic way. The CGI crimes committed against him and the wolf pack are unforgivable though. I mean, jeez, it’s as though some poor props person went scrounging around in a shabby old school fancy dress box, stumbled across a ragged Red Riding Hood wolf get-up and thought ‘yeah, that’ll do’.

It’s clear that even K-Stew and the rugged R-Patz are bored by the franchise and so simply mumble their way through the script. They do get their own mind-blowing sex scene though. I use the term ‘mind blowing’ in the sense that to demonstrate Bella’s, ahem, climax, a galaxy of glittering gold stars burst around her head. Yup, really. Cue confused Twi-hards the world over spending their life savings on sex therapy, blaming their blokes for not ensuring they see stars at the moment of orgasm. Director Bill Condon should be hanging his head for the angst-ridden issues he’ll cause. He won’t though; he’ll guffaw all the way to the bulging bank. (I’d like to state now that if everyone else sees gold stars when they climax, I retract that statement and it is I who has apparently been doing something wrong).

Moving on: high drama hits when the Volturi decide they must kill said bloodcurdling child (see, she’s an uber rare half immortal and might threaten their un-dead kind) and begin marching inexplicably slowly towards the Cullen’s gaff. They eventually pitch up and we embark on a snowy stand-off where they all line up and compare creepy contact lenses before battle commences.

Anyone have eye drops?

Michael Sheen deserves a nod for his brilliantly eccentric turn as Volturi chief Aro and does his best to inject some tension and breathe life (pun intended) into the damned thing. The battle scene has its memorable moments but generally falls a little flat and no amount of decapitations can save it.

Regardless of what any scornful critic says, the Twilight fans will love it while the rest of mankind can rest in peace (sorry, the puns write themselves) now that it’s all over. *Sighs*

By Alicia MacDonald