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It’s that time again. Something huge in the British diary. So get that condom in your wallet, smell nice get it twice, freshen up for the poonani and hit (tennis gag. Sorry) the streets of London. Whether you want to avoid the Olympic haze or join it, here is a variety of things to dive (get it?) into.

Get off ya fat ass

Social Fitness

If you have anything from £2,500 knocking about in your pocket, and want to impress some hot bird then why not buy access to the luxury hospitality club that is popping up in the City during the Olympics this summer. Relaxingly called The Retreat, it will feature six areas including a temporary park with a signature Champagne bar, it’s very own Country Club, night club and cinema. This is an upscale members club with the London 2012 Olympic Games as its backdrop. I mean what better way to relax, while everyone else competes. The Retreat sounds far less stressful and well worth a visit. Especially with so many different places to attempt a snog. You could even try the yawn and boob grab in the cinema. That old chestnut.

Membership prices start at £2,500, 27th July – 12th August, The Brewery, 52 Chiswell Street, London, EC1Y 4SD, retreat-city.co.uk or call 0845 143 1448


Ring them bells

Get Your Bells Out

What a rocker?! Turner-prize winning artist Martin Creed wants us all to ring a bell on Friday. At 8.12am on 27 July thousands of us should, if Creed’s plan comes off, be joyfully ringing bells. Have you got a bell on your bike or one in with the Christmas decorations? Considering some people call me Ding Dong and my surname is Bell, I feel it would be rude not too.

Friday 27th July, allthebells.com

Talk about tones, and lighting, and shades, and…pink shoes

This Is London

The World In London is a large-scale photography project so if your date is looking for something a bit more cultural to get into the sack, then this could be an odd alternative to the National Gallery. Portraits of 204 Londoners, each originating from one of the countries taking part in the Games, have been commissioned and will be on display in East London’s Victoria Park from tomorrow. I think they are really missing out not having my face on there. Tsk.

27th July – 12th August, Victoria Park, London, E9 7DE, festival.london2012.com/events/9000961751

Your body doesn’t have to look like this to get in…but it would help

China White

If your date is impressed by Z list celebs, then get your name on the guest list for the Olympic shindig at Chinawhite on August 4 and 5, after the Olympic swimming program. Swimmer Andrew Lauterstein is set to attend and the Melbourne-based gold medal hopeful confirmed he would DJ at the luxury club. China White will be throwing 17 nights of exclusive soirees at the venue. Radio one presenter Pete Tong and music producer Paul Oakenfold have been added to the lineup and more acts will be announced soon – so make sure you get your mits on a pass if you want to go. Drop some of these names and your date might get weak at the knees. If you’re into that.

China White, 4 Winsley Stret, London, W1, chinawhite.com

Bubble and fizz

Night Time Debauchery
On the 26th July, the highly secret pop-up bar and club Nightgames will open its doors. Those lucky enough to be invited will be bring in the Olympics in style. There will be rooftop drinking and it will be all champagne and Ferraris.  Nightgames even has a collection of naughty private parlours available for hire and guests are treated to access to the secret backstage plus an allocation of magnum champagne bottles, as well as spirits, lager and food. If you are trying to seduce someone that’s into secret entrances, then take them here with a chance of getting into their… Too naughty. Sorry. But you get the jist.

A mega watch for you?

Ticking Clock
This is for the poshos. For the people that like to flash their Rolex. Pop the Veuve. Drip in diamonds. You know. In Soho, luxury watchmaker Omega will be hosting an A-list soiree in a refurbished townhouse until the end of the games. Rumour has it is that Nicole Kidman will be showing her face at the launch party on July 28 and that the space-themed bash taking place on August 2 will feature American astronauts among other guests. Get entrance here and you might manage to take her to infinity and beyond.


A bar, not a hairdo

Nice Bangs

There will be few Olympic parties that can compete with the comfort and luxury of following the Olympics from the Fringe pop-up bar. Only 100 meters or a ten second sprint from the Olympic park, this four storey Victorian warehouse conversion is packed with restaurants, bars, lounges, private suites, workspaces, WiFi, a coffee lounge and big broadcasting areas. Music and entertainment with great DJs livens up this gorgeous East London club when the Olympic Games wrap up for the day. If your dates a closet ‘feeder’ or just likes her/his sports enjoyed and not endured they have organised a private pontoon with direct fast lane access into the Olympic Park with transport to and from links at LimehouseBasin and Tottenham Hale.

The Night pass 19.00-02.00 is £40 and only includes entry. A full day pass 09.00-02.00 is £150 and includes three drinks and three food dishes. Bookings and membership applications to the Fringe are emailed to sam@thefringe2012.com or phone 02081441264  

Our favourite time of day

Out In the Open

Grab a picnic. Grab a hand. Preferably of someone you find quite hot. This Friday, Hyde Park are putting on an open-air concert to celebrate the opening of the London 2012 Olympics. The bands on the bill represent all corners of Britain, with Duran Duran (England), Stereophonics (Wales), Paolo Nutini (Scotland) and Snow Patrol (Northern Ireland). Performances will be timed so that gig-goers can also watch live coverage of the Olympic opening ceremony on the big screens in the park. AKA. Snogging breaks. So maybe sure you shuffle close during the tunes and then wade in.

Hyde Park, Close to Black Lion Gate, London, W2 4RU

Chocolate medals? Nom, nom, nom

At Home

Make yourself at home in Hyde Park, Victoria Park and Trafalgar Square for the entire Olympics, because they will have screens, snacks and all sorts of entertainment. What’s better than a flirting game of badminton. Well actually I can think of a few things but everyone loves an activity and the parks will have ‘SO MUCH ROOM FOR ACTIVITY’. Excuse the capitals. It’s a quote from Stepbrothers. Took it a bit far. Back to snogging. The parks will be filled with all things Olympics and there will even be a Cadbury House where you can go head to head against Rebecca Adlington and win a chocolate medal at the end. Yes please. Make your date win if you want to get a snog.

How could you NOT get a snog here?

Pleasure Me

Taking someone on a date essentially means you might want to pleasure them. With conversation, with snacks, with drinks, with jokes and stories of good times had, and then finally with other things. Goodness you are pervy, I meant heading to The Pleasure Gardens. At Pontoon Dock, on the official Olympic Last Mile route, an ex industrial site has been transformed into a 60,000 sq.m, 20 acres waterside leisure park. Oh yes, we’re talking a concert stage, wild gardens, cafés, bars, clubs, hotel, water attractions, floating cinema and open air summer shows. Get her to wear a white tshirt and take her on a ride. Even if you have no chat, there will be loads of things to do.

North Woolwich Road, Royal Victoria Dock, London, E16 2BS, londonpleasuregardens.com 

I’m going to end on pleasure as it seems the most relevant. Go forth my pretties and mate with London this Olympics. I wish you all the Olympian luck in the world. We will be handing out our own Trivial Pursuits medals at the end of the summer. So get going. Even though I will be lost down the Missouri River, I will still know what you’re up too. I’ve told you too much.

By Em Bell