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Whilst in the middle of a hugely important Trivial Pursuits meeting on Tuesday to discuss the redesigning of the site (as you can see, nothing’s changed), I got into another heated debate with Beenie Langley over our usual topic of whether men or women are better than each other. After a few glasses of wine, I announced that I was going to become a prominent “masculist”, fighting the good fight for the rights of man and becoming an antidote to the likes of Germaine Greer.

A female eunuch, or something like that…

As I wondered out loud whether or not there has ever been a masculism movement, Beenie asserted that the phrase I was looking for was “misogynism”. Which was a little unfair. To highlight as much, I will provide the dictionary definitions of the two phrases:

fem·i·nist (noun)

A person advocating social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men.

mi·sog·y·nist (noun)

A person who hates, dislikes, mistrusts, or mistreats women.

Now clearly I am not the latter. I say ‘clearly’ with an element of self-judgement, but you’ll have to believe me on this one. The position I saw myself filling was very much the former. But with a willy.

It pained me that when a girl makes absurd assertions about the opposite sex, there’s a sort of acceptance of it as “feminism”. It carries socio-political credibility, and seems acceptable in polite circles.

“Oh look, these men can’t even look after themselves, let alone a baby for the evening… He refuses to ask for directions, it’s so infuriating… They’re all knuckle-dragging Neanderthals who can only socialise over sport…”

I digress, but these are all clichéd ‘man bitches’ that I’m sure are fairly commonly levelled at us by members of the fairer sex. It’s OK though, it’s feminism. It’s merely an extension of wage equality and getting the vote. I get it.

Yet if we retort in kind with comments about parking ability and the way women are mystifyingly hypnotised by the content of shops (yet seemingly allergic to the cash till) we are seemingly labelled as a misogynist…

A person who hates, dislikes, mistrusts, or mistreats women.

The papers cry forth about how single mothers and IVF have proven that men are an unnecessary waste of resources on this planet. We are constantly told how useless we are, what terrible bastards we are. The world would be a happier place if we all just buggered off to the big sports bar in the sky and let women do everything. I’m paraphrasing here, but I’m sure the Daily Mail has made claims along these lines in the past.

Yet I would fight these claims with one of my own, and one that I truly believe in. The main reason the earth needs men, is that I’ve seen how women act around each other.

Inter-female social politics are the personification of the Cold War. There is an otherwise unknown level of mistrust in each other, all masked in levels of secrecy, counter intelligence and espionage that the chaps at Bletchley Park would have killed for. Best friends will turn on each other in a flash. Anyone is a double agent and no-one can be trusted. I’m surprised all girls’ backs aren’t perforated from all the stabbing. The idea of “keeping your friends close and your enemies closer” explains the persistent coffee meetings. It’s easy to mock naff phrases like “Bro code”, but at least there’s one in place.

I’m afraid that the world needs men for the simple reason that, without us, I’m sure you women would tear each other to shreds in seconds. Even Beenie admitted as much.

Whilst researching my original subject matter, I found this truly wonderful quote from American statirist H L Mencken:

“A misogynist is a man who hates women as much as women hate one another.”

Given that the dictionary definition of Misogynist was non-gender specific, I put it back to all woman-kind that you, rather than we, are the misogynists.

I don’t want to hate. All I seek is social equality in my right to criticise. Enough of this labelling of Misogyny and Chauvanism. Those terms are inaccurate and offensive. They belittle my serious points in the battle of the sexes. I’m a masculist. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now let me be, or I’ll march on the Mr Universe pageant and burn my boxer shorts. And no-one wants to see that.

by Harry Harland