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Was the thought of spending this weekend snog-free making you feel woozy? Were the memories of your ex-girlfriend Elizabeth, with the “amazing personality” (cracking rack) all flooding back?  Well, with my cupid patterned cape on, I am here and just in time I might add, to make sure you don’t spend most of this weekend at home cuddling your corgi (read that as you will). Hang up your bunting, grab your deckchair and get your Union Jack y-fronts on, because there is a whole host of top-notch things to do in the Capital, even if you aren’t the Queenie’s biggest fan.

Bang Bang

If you’re looking to find the next character from CSI, then maybe the gun salute in Hyde Park honour of the Queen on Saturday will be the place to lurk. Try jumping in shock as the gun goes off, hand on forehead, into the arms of some hot piece of ass. You never know. It works in the movies.

www.trooping-the-colour.co.uk

 

Something’s Fishy

If you aren’t the next Jamie Oliver but you’ve got a date in hand, then let the Fish Shop at Kensington Place do all the work. Their hampers will include the likes of smoked salmon, strawberries, lemon posset and all the decorations you might need. If it’s Sunday, then head riverside to watch a flotilla of 1000 boats sail up the Thames. Catch a glimpse of the Queen, Philip, William, Kate, Harry, Charles and Camilla, and keep edging yourself closer when they aren’t looking. Play it cool here. You know what they say about oysters…

www.kensingtonplace-restaurant.co.uk

Don’t Be a Chicken

Keen to get your mits on an adventurous type, then Gelupo’s Jacob Kenedy should be your hero. In honour of the Queen, he has dreamed up a limited edition Coronation Chicken gelato. Whack it in a cone, or try it in a frozen brioche sandwich. If you fancy someone eating this, then you’re onto a winner.

www.gelupo.com

Posh Picnic

Now this one is for all the poshos out there. I know that most dudes cringe at the thought of sitting cross legged, so for everyone that hears the word picnic and thinks of champagne, proper chairs and a fountain of booze, then the Savoy is your kind of hang out this weekend. This is the Rolls Royce of street parties with all of the above and more. Even if you don’t get a snog, you can drown your sorrows in the Bombay Saphire cocktail fountain that will be bubbling all day.

www.fairmont.com/savoy

On High

The ultimate ‘I want to get a snog at the end of this because I’m paying a lot of money’ outing has got to be a place where it will cost £5,000 for a table of ten to watch the celebrations. Altitude London is hosting a whole plethora of events, but the street party on the 28th floor sounds like the top banana. With 360 degree views and cracking food to boot, this is the kind of place that will take you to heaven and back. Hopefully for the first time on the weekend.

http://www.altitudelondon.com/jubilee

 

Grannies Tea Party

The ultimate grandmother’s tearoom is Bourne and Hollingsworth, with cocktails in tea cups, cucumber sandwiches and wallpaper stolen from a 90 year olds house. If the idea of Savoy makes your skin crawl, then grab your braces and stockings and prepare to swing to brass bands, dabble at croquet, munch on a hog roast and find your fellow vintage love match.

www.hermajestysparty.com

 

Rah Rah Rooftop

The Queen of Hoxton is hosting a royal extravaganza in the form of their Jubilee Jamboree party. Following footage of the Queen’s Royal flotilla, the perfectly groomed rooftop bar will be filled with the sounds of Majesty’s Pleasure DJs and Cash Cows live, and accompanied by the tastes and smells of burger masters, Patty and Bun’s pop-up restaurant.  From 9pm, the Rooftop Film Club will be taking over the rooftop space for a special screening of Ghostbusters! With everything from toffs and rah’s dress up, lawn croquet and even a rent-a-corgi service, it’s set to be a right royal knees up!

www.queenofhoxton.com

Biggest Fatty

For all the people that get turned on by reality tv shows like ‘Feeders’ then here is where you are going to find your bit. The Royal Academy of Arts, BAFTA, The Ritz London, The Wolseley and Fortnum & Mason are just some of the businesses along Piccadilly taking part in the big lunch this weekend. The 500-seat party table will have hour slots so just keep moving. It’s like speed dating. But the date being your packet of crisps. It’s sad that I find that marginally more exciting.

http://www.piccadillybigjubileelunch.org

It’s Ma’amite To You

It’s Marmite-madness at The Botanist, Sloane Square, as they’re running an M-word themed Afternoon Tea in honour of her majesty. If you’re main quest is to find someone that loves or hates the brown sticky stuff as much as you, then head here to munch on everything from Ma’amite scones and Marmite and peanut butter brownies to someone’s Ma’amite covered face.

www.thebotanistonsloanesquare.com

Don’t Get A Big Head

Jump off the beaten track and head up to Whiteleys Shopping Centre in Bayswater for a spot of art amongst all the revelry. There hangs the world’s largest stamp portrait of Queen Elizabeth II. Get up close and personal with the piece… and your date. There’s a lot of stamps. Let’s hope he made it before the price increase.

http://www.whiteleys.com

Back at the Palace

Now if you manage to get a date back to your house, there is a whole host of things you can do that are Jubilee themed (Sorry to disappoint. This isn’t going to be naughty). How about watching ‘The Queen’, while drinking tea from a Royal mug, while eating red, white and blue Tyrrells crisps and doing the washing up with your ‘I’m so excited I could wee it’s the Queen’s Jubilee’ tea towel. I mean for the true Queen fans, that’s got to get you a snog?!

Address TBC

 

And if none of this works. Then I’m afraid to tell you, but you have a face like a foot. I’m sorry about that. So print out this picture. It’s funny.

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