19:34 That man with the big ears from the Walkers Crisps advert talks about Shakespeare and says something about Three Little Words – which later turns out to mean the phrase: Come on England. This is baffling for England is a proper noun with a lot of history behind it, so it’s not exactly what I’d call a ‘little word’. But maybe these football people read English Language at university and know more about it than me.
3 Little Words: Cheese And Onion
Will the fickle finger of fate finally point England’s way? Interesting use of alliteration here by the man with big ears from the Walkers Crisps advert who probably read English Language at university. Four ‘f’s and not one mention of the ‘f’ word in question: football. A little sporty quiz for us, with one very obvious answer. I wonder who won’t get it right.
19:35 A video montage involving more Shakespeare and a spider’s web.
19:39 Some nice music. Italian men with long hair singing in a line.
19:41 More men singing in a long line but luckily I recognise this song so I can sing along too. The camera films the manline and I mark the men out of 10 in my head on how handsome they are. My thoughts go something like this: Tall, broad, Coleen Rooney’s husband, moody, grumpy, sleepy, happy…my sing-along has gone ‘off anthem’ and more ‘on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves’. I hum ‘Whistle While I Work on a Laptop for Trivial Pursuits’.
19:44 Steven Gerard blows some spit out of his mouth.
19:45 ‘First glimpse of Mario,’ says the commentator. Does he mean Super Mario?
19:47 ‘A rocket of a shot from Daniello De Arse,’ says the tele man. Odd because for once a footballer wasn’t being arsey. I Google his name to make sure I’ve spelled it right and realise he’s actually called: Daniele De Rossi. Maybe I should get my ears syringed.
19:49 England nearly score. Ben Johnson did all the hard work. Ben Jonson was a playwright in the late 1500s and wrote such plays as The Alchemist and Volpone. So I think maybe this explains the earlier Shakespeare reference. My flatmate tells me the man from the tele actually said ‘Glen Johnson’.
19:50 Bouffant [sic] made the save. His hair must have fallen down because I wouldn’t say the style he’s adopted today is as much ‘bouffant’ as it is ‘flat and rather greasy’.
19:58 Cheryl Cole’s Ex-Husband does something but I’m too busy staring at his extraordinary mohawk to notice.
19:58 Coleen Rooney’s current husband does something else. That’s rather a mouthful so from now on I shall call him Half Green Shrek (he’s wearing fluorescent green booties after all).
20:10 Nothing’s happening.
20:11 Half Green Shrek says the eff word
20:13 I notice the Italians are playing in blue,England are playing in white and the England Goalkeeper is dressed in red. Red, white and blue are the colours of our national flag. Is this a sign, I wonder? Then I see the Italian goalkeeper is wearing green. Red, white and green are the colours of Italy’s national flag. So I think maybe it’s not a sign, but more a fashion statement.
20:16 Super Mario nearly scores. The man from the tele says something like ‘he kicks the ground with frustration at not having scored.’ One would think this was rather obvious. What else could we have thought he was doing – digging for potatoes?
20:16 Half Green Shrek does something and a man called Welbeck nearly scores. But he doesn’t. So that’s a whole cheer wasted. My throat’s getting sore. I drink some water from the tap in a tall glass.
20:20 The referee is wearing black and yellow. I imagine what it would be like if he attached some curly antennae and a pair of plastic wings.
20:23 The doorbell rings. My flatmate exits.
20:24 My flatmate comes back and tells me the delivery man from Deliverance is Italian. It’s lucky no one’s scored or the crispy duck might have made its plate the pavement – and wouldn’t that have been offside (or off-key).
20:27 Italy makes a ‘right royal mess’ of the free kick, says the tele man. I wonder if Her Majesty, The Queen would agree that this constitutes a ‘right royal mess’. Surely The Mall after the Jubilee celebrations would be a better description.
20:29 The tele man said the Ukrainians have had problems with moles on the pitch. Maybe Super Mario was looking for those instead of potatoes.
20:30 Halftime in Kiev. Chicken? (Starting to wonder if perhaps Come Dine With Me on 4oD would have been more entertaining.)
20:33 Tele people chatting
20:46 Started again. It’s all so confusing as they’ve changed sides so I have to train my brain not to get excited about the right hand side of the tele screen. So much to think about.
20:48 An incredible miss by Daniele De Rossi. I doubt Donatella Versace would think it was incredible. I mean, De Rossi.
20:49 Gerard is peerless when it comes to kicking England’s corners. So he’s ‘Sir Stevie’ when he’s not kicking corners, is that it?
20:52 Italy nearly score twice. Hart saves the ball, saving also a few thousand Englandfans from having a heart attack. I think maybe his surname got him his job as goalkeeper and contemplate if that’s nepotistic or not.
20:54 I decide that Riccardo Montolivo is quite good-looking and perhaps I might fancy him.
Montolivo – “Dishy”
20: 57 Desperate to pee but I’m worried I might miss something exciting.
20:57 Someone’s whacked heads with someone else and the medical people are on the pitch…loo dash, quickly now… GO!!!!
20:59 Good timing. I stubbed my toe en route but it doesn’t matter because I was fast. Maybe I should be in the England squad.
21:03 Is it me or is England not playing as well now as they were in the first half? No tele man it’s not you, you’re the commentator.
21:04 Every time they say ‘Abate’ I think they’re saying ‘A party’. A bit early to think about parties for both sides, I’d say.
21:04 Carroll goes to score but is blocked. Away, with a Manager. That would be a good carol.
21:06 John Terry Chocolate Orange gets a mention (which is appropriate because the telephone network Orange has just popped up with some advertising around the side of the pitch).
21:12 It is still a very warm evening here in Kiev. I knew we’d not get through the game without at least one reference to the weather. London’s weather is mild at the moment in case you’re interested.
21:14 My flatmate goes to the shop and his girlfriend asks him to buy her and me a present that isn’t milk. I hope he doesn’t bring back a football.
21:16 Half Green Shrek nearly scores. The replay shows it was his shoulder that nearly scored.
21:18 My flatmate returns with no footballs – and no presents either. I hunt around for some chocolate.
21:22 Barzagli gets a yellow card for kicking the top of the ball and hitting an England player in the shin.
21:23 Barzalgi pretends he got kicked in the head to make up for kicking an England player in the shin. ‘It was his shoulder…Oh yes, just hold your face anyway. He’s no doubt learnt tips on the stage from his wife, who’s an Italian ballerina,’ says the tele man.
21:25 John Terry Chocolate Orange is caught out of position. Since we’re talking about ballet, I wonder if it’s first position or second position. Arabesque?
21:26 I’m bored so I go and make a cup of coffee. Maybe my absence will spice things up a bit.
21:28 I return to see my absence has not spiced anything up at all. Though speaking of spices, I did notice whilst making the coffee I actually own ground coriander. Who knew?
21:30 Injury time – 3 more minutes. An Italian lady with a sexy voice says something on the loudspeaker. I imagine she’s saying ‘Cornettos will be available for purchase shortly. Please form an orderly queue’. In retrospect, she’s probably Ukrainian.
21:32 Half Green Shrek doesn’t even nearly score, but people cheer and whoop all the same. No fairytale overhead this time. I’m glad it’s not just me thinking of Snow White. Whistle blows.
Perhaps England should play in a swamp?
21:40 Oops, missed the start of extra time because I was editing the above and checking my phone for messages. Lots of mistakes, no messages.
21:41 Carroll has his hair up in a pony tail and I wonder if he bought his hair ties from Boots the Chemist. An appropriate shop to go to, considering the name, if he did.
21:43 Yellow card for Maggio (pronounced ‘Macchio’). He’s not very macchio at all in my opinion, but rather flimsy looking.
21: 52 Nothing much has happened so I’m editing the above. Will write again if something happens.
21: 56 Half way through Extra Time
22:00 It starts again.
22:04 Marchisio gets a free kick. Lots of stamping and chanting. He kicks the ball….way out. Are these men really professional?
22:07 Italy score but they were offside so it doesn’t count. So happy I know what offside means otherwise this would have been most confusing.
22:13 Penalties. I’m really quite tired now and thinking about beddies. I obviously hope England win, but I think Italy deserve to more, and actually I don’t even care.
22:18 Penalties. Italy 1.
22:19 England 1.
22:20 The Italian man I fancy with a hair-band misses. Maybe I don’t fancy him so much anymore.
22:21 Nice shot of Half Green Shrek’s plugs. He scores. I forgive him his hair.
22:22 Young-but-not-that-young goes up. My flatmate thinks it’s a bad idea. Young misses.
22:23 Mr Ex-Cheryl Cole goes up. This is the most nervous I’ve felt all game – though in all honesty I’m just relieved to be feeling anything for this match at all. The game now hangs in the balance.
22:24 He misses. Oh dear.
22:24 Diamante sparkles like his name and scores (for Italy, girlies, in case of confusion).
22:25 Game over, England 0 – 0 Italy (2-4 on penalties)
Oh well people, never mind. The best team won on the day. And now we can all concentrate on the infinitely better sporting event of this month -Wimbledon.
Night ball…or rather, all.
by Beenie Langley