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Newspapers are trying their best to make us feel miserable about our country in the run up to the Jubilee and frankly, I’ve had enough.

For an alternative interpretation of their dispirited doggerel, see below.

HEADLINE: MP claims taxpayers money on rent she might not have paid 

Not MY taxes she didn’t

Last weekend we discovered that Conservative Party co-chairman Baroness Warsi, claimed up to £2,000 in living expenses when staying in a London flat owned by Dr Wafik Moustafa.  Allegedly, he’s not received a penny of this ‘remuneration’.  Awkward.

Now, I could spit out my coffee, blaspheme and flail my arms around like a banshee.  But Im not going to.  Because none of my taxes go to the government anyway – not then, not now.

Whatzat, I say?

Quite simple, really.  I decided it.  Every penny taken away from me in taxes goes towards… the NHS, and that is the case, because I say it is.

There, I feel much better.

Onwards.

HEADLINE: Down in the Humps with the UK Eurovision Song?

Nope.  I couldn’t care less. 

Next!

HEADLINE: Sunshine and Showers for the Jubilee

And? 

This is what we expect, this is what we are used to, this is what we all love.  I’m no Michael Fish (so don’t worry, I won’t pretend I can predict the weather) howeather [sic], I think it’s safe to say that since last week was ‘like SO hot, I’m SO hot, isn’t it HOT, like sweltering hot, as in, don’t need my duvet, sleep-with-window-fully-open-naked-type-of-hot’…we should definitely be expecting some sort of drizzle or blizzard this weekend.

We mustn’t worry though, we’ve still got our sunburn from last week to complain about – and I’m sure that’ll carry on aching long enough to keep us all moaning well into next week as well.

Hit me.

HEADLINE: The Government’s U-Turn on Pastygate

The best news ever. 

Not only can we now eat hot untaxed pasties once again, but we can enjoy some truly epic headlines too:*

The Times: Osbourne Blows Hot And Cold On ‘Pasty Tax’

The Guardian: Cold Comfort in Osbourne’s Pasty Tax Climbdown

The Mail: Osbourne Eats His Words on Pasty Tax

And, my personal favourite…

The Sun: Pasty La Vista, Tax Man

*Read no further than the headline

HEADLINE: Jubilee Travellers Face Disruption on Rail Network

Trains?

Non, ‘Thames’.  We’d be waiting til the Platinum Jubilee were the Pageant running by rail and I’m sure even the Department for Transport would be with me on this one.

HEADLINE: Tourists Flock to Capital for Jubilee

‘Come in, dear sheep’

They’re so in awe of our great country right now, I just don’t have the heart to wish them away.  Not even their sense of pavement entitlement bothers me.  In fact, touristicos, this weekend take the pavement – it’s yours.  We call this in English ‘a present’.

And if you happen to be Greek: here, have my tube seat too.  Must make sure you’re well rested for next week – when hopefully you’ll get around to addressing that almighty debt you still owe us – opa!

So there we have it.  An alternative approach to those spiritless stories, seemingly intent on sucking every inch of pride in our country from out our “Jubileed” jubilant bodies.

I’m not all that worried they’ll succeed though.  Try as they might, we’re still British.  And if there’s one thing everyone knows about us, it’s this:  we will never surrender.

Happy Jubilee Everyone.

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