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The ever increasing status of Trivial Pursuits has surprised me in a very pleasing way. It may sound absurd, but there is actually a feeling of genuine achievement that we have managed to make it to 2nd search result on Google when you type in our name. That the first result is a timeless and world-famous board game that many erroneously perceive to be called Trivial Pursuits makes the achievement all the more impressive. I’m expecting to hear from Hasbro’s legal team at some stage, but in the meantime we shall bask in its reflected glory.

As a by-product of having an increase of what those in the know refer to as SEO (Search Engine Optimization), we have started to attract visitors direct from the likes of Google. One of the most amusing tools provided by the gents at WordPress is a function that shows what search engine terms have led these knowledge pilgrims to flock to our humble site.

The vast majority of our Google traffic is fairly logical. The likes of “Trivial Pursuits Harland” or “Beenie Langley” for example pop up from day to day, as I imagine our failure to land a ‘dot com’ domain name leads many astray. There are however an increasingly large number of utterly bizarre terms that Google appear to have directed to us.

Now, I know how frustrating it is when you are looking for something and your search engine proves about as useful as a chocolate teapot. These big companies like Google have no time for their customers, you’re just a number, an ant, a statistic. Here at Trivial Pursuits we remain true to our roots. Just like Jennifer “I’m still Jenni from the block” Lopez… Sure Ms Lopez probably now owns the whole block, has evicted all her childhood pals and bulldozed the area to build a beauty salon dedicated to her arse, but deep down she’s just the way she was… Talentless.

Anyhow, before I lose myself here, these are genuine search terms that have guided at least three people each to our site. As part of my community spirit, I will attempt to enlighten them, so that future searches will not prove so fruitless:

“Where do they put horses penis when they race at Cheltenham?”

Unlike their flat-racing counterparts, where the horses tend towards short careers followed by lucrative breeding in their retirement, National Hunt horses are, on the whole, geldings. That is to say that they have been castrated. It makes them calmer, safer and presumably more willing to scrape their bellies over fences. So far, so sensible.

The phrasing of this question is the part that amused me though. As if they take them off and put them in a locker with their watch until they’ve showered down after the race. Wonderful stuff.

“von Happens theorem”

This caused me to smile. A lot. Claus-Gunter-Diedrich von Happen was a character I invented in my facetious email exchange with Total Marketing, after they tried to buy advertising space on our site. His theorem was to explain blog viewing figures or something… It’s not important. This amused me a lot as it made me suspect that the person from Total Marketing had actually looked it up to make sure it existed. Or, given that it has happened five times, other people were led to investigate.

Well done whoever you are, and by the way, did you know gullible isn’t in the dictionary?

“Chris Janson wife”

For those who don’t know Chris, this may not be especially relevant, but for those who do, I thought you might like to know that this search term has led three different people here. Astonishing.

“short slutty loose dress”

This phrase led four people to our site last week alone. Perhaps they were shopping for Mothers Day gifts? Whatever the rationale, I can only imagine they were rather disappointed.

“whips and chains”

Likewise here… Unless Beenie or Em moonlight under the name ‘Mistress Tickle’ and I haven’t been informed.

“was sartre a wanker?”

He was French, you do the maths.

“obscure facts about VAT”

See Pete, someone was interested…

“harry potter actor nipple” 

I knew I’d left something out of my Woman in Black review.

 

Obviously I understand that the words crop up in random order throughout our articles, and so cannot be taken in the true context. It does, however bear saying that if you actually pump most of the above phrases into Google, we don’t appear until the 5th or 6th page. If you’re searching for “whips and chains” for long enough to reach page 6 of a Google search and our site appeared, I imagine the frustration must be pretty unbearable. With this in mind, Max Mosley, please accept our humblest apologies.

by Harry Harland

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