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Yesterday morning, I received this email:

Subject: Being single and upset on Valentine’s Day


Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful event for people in a relationship, but what about single people?
Recent research by twoo.com found that women aren’t necessarily telling the truth when they say they don’t care about Valentine’s Day: 65% admitted to pretending to be OK about being single on the day, but secretly caring.  Conversely, 61% of men genuinely don’t care – it’s alright for some, aye? The research then went on to look at how many people were upset about being single last year, finding that 39% of women went from being a little bit upset to full blown tears…

I stopped right there.  This, in my mind, is what I had just read:

Subject:  If you’re single you’re pathetic on Valentine’s Day

Hi Single NO ONE

Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful event for most people – but since you’re NO ONE, this doesn’t include you!
Recent research by some time-wasting website found that people like you tend to tell porkies when it comes to the BIG DAY.  Oh yes you do!   65% to be precise – enough to fill an entire factory of porkie scratchings!  Conversely, 61% of men genuinely NEVER lie.  Rather than having dinner with a fit bird, they’re out on the lash with the lads, AGAIN – it’s alright for some, eh (though for some stupid reason, I’m going to write ‘aye’ here instead).  The research then went on to look at how many people were upset about being single last year, finding that nearly 60% of women weren’t UPSET AT ALL!  Howzat for a scoop! 

I love Valentine’s Day. 

The best thing about it is it doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or if you’re single.  There are pros and cons to both.

If you’re with someone: Bonjour, stress and pressure.  Should we do something?  No, we’re just feeding the Fat Cats at Scribbler and giving a big thumbs up to the doubled up prices at every eatery everywhere.  We don’t need A DAY to show we love each other.  We love each other EVERY day!  But it is Valentine’s…so…perhaps we should do something.  Small.  We’ll do something small.  Exchange cards.  Just cards, NO presents.  Maybe a little present.  Is a bunch of roses ‘a present’?  No, eyulsh, CORN-DOG.  What about a bunch of r….adishes?  Oh I don’t know, I am trying – they’re pink after all…

If you’re not in relationship, come 14th February and it’s: Hola Sympathy.  How MISERABLE you must be, awww, poor, sweet, single you!!! I still love you though, and don’t forget – you’re welcome at OUR house, any time…

I’ve had some truly epic Valentine’s Days – on both sides of the… fence (is that right?).  In a relationship, I once I attempted to make heart shaped pizzas.  That was love.  They landed on the plate like burnt dog turds.  Then the candles on the table set alight my chef’s apron and I think we had a fight.  So that night was on fire.

As a single 16 year old, some friends and I decided: What the world / Needs now / Is hate / Sweet hate.  Yep, life’s about equilibrium, see.  If there’s a day for love, then there should be a day for hate also.  Hades Day we called it.  Hades Day fell on Feb 14th too. We wrote ‘I HATE YOU’ in cards with black paint before distributing them to appropriate candidates – like each other.

In all honesty, I prefer the day being SINGLE. For three main reasons.

1. In my opinion, Valentine’s is for couples who don’t go on dates during the rest of year.  They use this socially acceptable event of lurve for a dinner where no one has any headaches and there’s guaranteed rumble tumble at the end of it.

Us poor singles have a day like this too. We call it Thursday night.  BOOM.

2. Valentine’s Day cards.  More likely to be from a real admirer. Get one of those in a relationship and it’s:  ‘So, WHO IS HE?  No, don’t tell me, I ALREADY KNOW and – by the way – I ALWAYS KNEW HE FANCIED YOU.’  Enough to give anyone an actual headache.

3. I feel sorry for my guy friends who might be expected to propose – and my girl friends who might have to accept.  Or the other way around – a moment so brilliantly captured by Made In Essex (yes, yes) at the weekend: Boy chats to tearful Ex at a party.  Boy reaches into coat pocket.  Girl squeals: ‘Nooo, not a RING!’ Boy says ‘No.  Not a ring’.  Boy hands Girl instead… a business card with his phone number on it.  Quite possibly why the word CRINGE was invented.

At the end of the day though, it’s all a bit of fun.  Especially in an office.  Everyone is in such a good mood – and if you have to dash off early it’s ‘Not a problem – and here’s a torrent of exaggerated “whoop-whoops” and wolf whistles to send you on your hearty way.’

The only people I actually feel sorry for on 14th February are the mob victims of the St Valentine’s Day Massacre, and anyone else alive in America in 1929.  On that Valentine’s Day they were suffering prohibition, which I’m sure many considered, punishment enough.  9 months later and they were in the midst of the Great Depression.

So come on all people of Valentine’s 2012.  We may be on the edge of recession ourselves – some argue, we’re already in it – but at least Oddbins is still trading.  Let’s count our lucky stars while we still can and drink up.
Happy Valentine’s Day

by Beenie Langley