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Still haven’t found the person of your dreams and the fast approaching Valentines Day makes you want to cry into your pillow and punch snoggers in the face? Well this year, our big city brings you the alternatives to be treated like chopped liver and getting you a snog instead.

Your face is stupid

Date with a difference and say hello to Speed Hating or Blind Hate, the distant relatives of speed dating. It’s meeting someone for the first time without the niceties. Being nice is a waste of time anyway. Chicks called their fat friends “nice”. There is no chat about how many children you want to have or what your favourite vegetable is, instead you are there to discuss your gripes and dislikes. How ugly you think they are. How annoying their voice is. How stupid their hair looks. It’s playground flirting at its best and as long as there are no tears you might even find someone to moan to for the rest of your life.

11th February

O2 Academy 2 Islington, N1 Centre, 16 Parkfield Street, Islington, N1 0PS



I hate everything

At the same venue following the Speed Hating and Blind Hating, The Feeling Gloomy’s Down with Valentines Day Party is kicking off. This caters for the single and miserable every Saturday of the year, but on Valentines Day weekend, they have something extra special for ya. Anti-love tracks and no kissing allowed, this is the eveng for people looking for songs full of hurt, sorry and sweet sweet indie pain.

11th February

O2 Academy 2 Islington, N1 Centre, 16 Parkfield Street, Islington, N1 0PS



Do you mind if I coppa feel?

50 dates. 100 seconds. If you want to experience a little bit of the “pain” of dating 100 women in 100 days like David Cornthwaite did, then rock over to the Speed Dating for Boobies night. All in the name of a good cause, this night is the speediest dating you will ever do. So if you’re bored, you’ll only have 90 more seconds to go. NEXT…

14th February

The Queen of Hoxton, 1-5 Curtain Road, Shoreditch,EC2A 3JX


Love Bugs

Sounds cute and vominous doesn’t it? Well vominous is the word because unless the idea of making “cuddly” bacteria turns you on, then this definitely isn’t cute.  When I was talking about it in a café the other day, a 60 year old man got the details of it and said ‘See you there’, so apparently bacteria does it for people and I’ve got a hot piece of ass for my date. This is the least romantic, most dweeby activity around and I want to know what happens.

14th February

The Hunterian Museum, 35-34 Lincoln’s Inn Fields, London, WC2A 3PE


Happy ever after…
David Carter’s boutique 40 Winks hotel is bring back its Bedtime Story Nights with a Valentine special, Tales of Love, Lust & Longing with mischievous performers, Hendrick’s cocktails, nutritious nibbles and a dress code of jimjams and nighties strictly enforced by the pyjama police. There’s even a prize for the most glamorous. So don’t go and wear a Father Christmas covered-woolen-mens-down-to-the-floor-nightie. It just ain’t sexy. Bring something to cuddle…

Email info@40winks.org  for more information
40 Winks, 109 Mile End Road, E1

Soho Slumber Party
Are you eating at the Dean Street Townhouse this February 14th? Well if the wine is flowing and things are going particularly well you might not be making it home tonight. The Dean Street Townhouse has created a little thing called The Soho Sleepover, for the kind of end to your date you were looking for. The “happy” end.  Diners ordering after 11pm will have the opportunity to stay in a hotel room that night for a bargain £50 per room.  There’s even a Morning After kit including deodorant, a razor and Alka Seltzer so don’t worry about turning up to work on Wednesday looking like a dirty stop out. Anything else you need, I’m sure the local pharmacist will be able to help…

14th February
Dean Street Townhouse, 69 – 71 Dean Street, W1



Find a date
Stuck for someone to love and willing to travel all the way toBristol (or you are already there)? Well V-Shed’s Valentine Rock Paper Scissors inBristol may have the answer. The dating challenge will see girls battling boys in rounds of the game in a bid to find a potential love match. I would add in fire, water and all things that win.

14th February

V-Shed, Waterfront, Bristol



You’re better. No you’re better. No you are…

The Doodle Bar is Battersea kind of looks like a mental home because it’s filled with people drawing on everything. And when I say everything I mean the walls, the furniture, the staff. Yup. Anything goes. It’s a great way to flirt if you have arrived with mates, flirt if you draw on your date or gives you an activity if there isn’t much chat going on.

Anytime you’re feeling like Picasso

33 Parkgate Road, London, SW11 4NP


 Day for the Lads

If all else fails and Valentines Day is just too gay for you to even leave the house, then there is always March 14th. Lads, you know what I’m talking about…


by Emily Bell