The Christmas season is well and truly upon us, and who doesn’t fancy a snog under the mistletoe? Well I am here purely to help you get one. The ins and the outs (excuse the pun) of London’s best snogging destinations. Don’t say I don’t give you things…

Waterstones – Nerds with a view

While your book worm of a date is browsing encyclopaedias and you are twitching nervously in your dress and heels, it’s quite the surprise to find a bar with cracking wine, cocktails (like the dark and stormy mojito) and scrumdiddlyumptious humous and pitta bread lurking past the children’s books. This is a dweeby hidden gem. Nothing too glamorous. Nothing very cool at all. But it’s a bar on the top of Waterstones. It’s called 5th View. And boy does it have a view. What a shock. There is nothing PG about this date. When it comes to books. A view. Wine. Humous. I am sold. Hook, line and sinker. Cover the little kiddies’ eyes. They shouldn’t be out at this time anyway. This planner is definitely getting a snog.

Purl – To make her purllll like a cat…

Hidden behind Oxford Circus, on a quiet road heading into the depths of Marylebone, runs a set of stairs into a mystical cellar. Not that kind of cellar, if your date is getting excited. In this cellar, you will find a drinks menu like no other. And it’s called Purl. You definitely can’t walk in and ask for a vodka and orange. You might even be thrown out using nitrogenous smoke. Yes that is actually used in the drinks making. 1950s/ Edwardian style. A globe filled with bottles of ingredients, alcohol and magic. Cocktails served in buckets, in silver and in paper bags… Each drink is unique and looks damn good.

It’s taken a dingy dungeon and turned it into a cocktail experience like lots of others popping up all over the place. But I just like this one a little bit more. The drinks are bolder. Braver. The alcohol is perfection, the knowledge is terrifying and an intellectual vibe means you are paying for a drink that will take you for a ride. And if you choose the Green Fairy, boy will you go on one. Absinthe bubbling and foaming away on the bar is poured into a tiny gullet which rests in a dish. You can’t put it down and at times you definitely need too.

Take a date here and they are either going to get so drunk they won’t be able to say no to a snog, or they will be blown away by your mysteriously good knowledge. Or the Green Fairy herself.

Oyster Bar – You know what they say about oysters…

Who doesn’t know the rumour about oysters and the effect they have on you? You know. Down there. Well, Randall and Aubin makes for a perfect date destination if you are looking for some guaranteed nookie the old school way. Champagne and oysters in the buzz of Soho. It’s modern seduction the unsubtle way. Grab a stool at the back in a dark corner. And ask the cute waitress for her advice. All the food looks yummy but the oysters are foolproof and delicious. Try it with all the different accompaniments: wasabi, chilli, soy. You can help your date with hers. It’s hands on food with guaranteed flirting. Get a bit of bubbly down her and boom. You have to get a snog. The vibe is cool. It’s cosy. Everyone is hot. It’s a cracking date destination for old school glamour in trainers.

Dans Le Noir – Great for those who are a little bit squidgy round the edges

What better way to feel up your date, than in a completely pitch black dining room. It’s utterly perfect. Even if you have a bit of extra squidge from pre-Christmas excess or a massive spot on your face, you can hide behind the cover of darkness, not to mention your hysterical chat… Based on Clerkenwell Green in East London, it really is one of the weirdest nights out and with your eyesight compromised you literally have no idea whether you are eating fish, meat or vegetables. Make sure you don’t lose your knife and fork in the first five minutes like I did, otherwise you ain’t looking so peachy when you step into the light again.

The food isn’t much to write home about and in the dark they could be serving you anything but go for the surprise menu and cocktails and it’s a great way to get drunk, flirt, and work out what the blooming heck is on your plate. It’s great. They even run speed dating nights there so it obviously works for everyone, especially people wanting their date to see their inner goodness?!

Cafe Kick – To kick his ass at football

A relaxed cafe nestled in Exmouth Market. Yes please. So imagine our excitement when we walked into this place to find wooden floors, flags, tapas, scrummy cocktails, footie playing AND table football. Oh yes.

We’re going to continue. There’s a bar stacked with bottles, football cards as your tab number, exercise books for the menu and then those football tables. Every lad loves a game of table football. Well here’s the big moment. Can your chick keep up with the lads? Make them feel like they’re in Friends but in Cafe Kick, it’s the Cuban version.

It really is a super dooper destination for a wee tipple and “you’re rubbish”, “no, you’re rubbish” style hitting and flirting. On top of that Exmouth Market is uber trendy and you’ve got enough restaurants to live there for a year, so you can either stay there or wander round and choose somewhere else. They are all equally yummy and equally worthy. I’m not even going to tell you where we went, because that is good enough for a whole different evening.

All Star Bowling Lanes – Find out if she’s an alley cat

There really is nothing more flirty than a game of bowling and if you claim to be American then you HAVE to love bowling. You also have to be vaguely cocky. It’s all about the playground flirting. So book a table, book a lane and get your butt, bowling ball and personalised jacket up to Bayswater, Brick Lane or Holborn. The cocktails are fantastic. Jam jars. Milkshake cups. Cocktail glasses. It’s more than your ordinary bud and burger bowling alley.

If you’re feeling brave and want your ball to fly quickly, order the Voodoo cocktail with chilli in it. If you want to stick to the yankee gag, order the I LOVE NY. It’s delicious. The cocktails are spectacular. Strong. The service is great. You feel like you are in the movie Grease. Sit with your menu up covering your faces as you order your burger, twizzle your hair and play footsie under the table. Burgers are cracking. The lump crab and crayfish stack is spectacular and fuels you for one posh game of bowling. Shoes on. Hands warmed and ready to powerhouse. Oh excuse the bowling chat. That wasn’t meant to mean something naughty but after taking your date to the lanes, it might mean anything you want it to mean.

Lucky Voice – Old School Art of Seduction

Now, everyone’s mother thinks their child is the best at everything and my mother was no exception; she always thought her little chick had the voice of angel. So the little chicks were booked into Lucky Voice in no time. Swanky bar. Private booth. There’s even a wee button to press that says thirsty and a dude pops his head around the door and gets you any cocktail, beer, wine or snack that you want. It’s incredible. It’s basically posh karaoke.

 Karaoke is no longer for fat people on holiday. Karaoke is now for hot chicks in heels. And look if you are happy with your date, you are shut in a padded room with alcohol and music. Sounds kinky huh?! So knock back a few. We would suggest the Love is Sweet, if the name doesn’t make your date vomit.

It’s a great place for flirting. You leave with no voice, some glitter from the cowboy hat and a fuzzy head from so much shouting and cocktails. You will be convinced that you are Elvis Presley and whether you are or not, you should get some kind of peck for effort.

GOOD LUCK!

by Emily Bell

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